Old Habits die hard

Why is life so hard sometimes?
Something good comes, then something great disappears.
I have this friend; W. I'd say him and I were close; we'd talk a lot, always spend time with each other at parties and gatherings- things seemed great. Until, he told me he liked me. Why I find this so hard to accept I don't know, but I knew I couldn't return his feelings. Now things will just be weird and different. It will take a long time to become friends again, if that ever happens. Sometimes I feel like everything I really want, everything I know that will make me happy is always out of my reach.

I'm so unbelievably tired at the moment- I have no energy to get angry or cry or feel much else. Hopefully, this bout of negativity is down to my lack of sleep. I should tell myself to stay strong, look ahead, think positive, but sometimes, and I hope other people feel this way too, its just too hard to smile.

"So I'm Moving to new york"

Just got home 10 hours after I left my house for London. It has been a LONG day in the recording studio, and I can't be happier to be in my bedroom.
Despite the long day, I've managed to happily sustain myself. The girls and the boys all went to the supermarket TWICE throughout the afternoon and bought doughnuts, sausage rolls, crisps, drinks, curry etc etc etc etc. you name a junk food and they bought it. I, on the other hand bought a packet of mint humbugs- I love these, great for chewing and subsiding any hunger pangs for a bit, plus they seem to last longer than chewing gum. As there was a lot of waiting around as equipment was being set up, sounds levels checked etc, we spent a lot of the time just sitting around and chatting. My tummy only growled once as we were singing which made me chuckle a little bit.
Although, by the time I had walked ALL the way from the station and up the friggin hill in which my house is on, I was feeling rather sick, so I just ate a slice of ham which probably made things worse.
I think I'll go to sleep now and hopefully I feel better in the morning,
Good night all x

"Everything is New"

Chemistry is the devil's subject. I can't bear to read another phrase about ,oles or electro negativity. yawn.

So blogger has stolen my attention, with an occasional glance at facebook and thrilld.com.

Its quite sad really that as I sit here and write about losing weight and "getting that perfect figure", in fact I am sitting down, in my tracksuit, doing absolutely nothing. I'm not really helping myself am I?

I'll have to seek some consolidation in the fact I did a 55 minute aerobics class at the gym this morning. Plus all i've eaten is a mini-banana, a pine-nut salad and drank an americano. I've also managed to discover the amazing fact that a ginger-nut biscuit contains only 45 calories!! Not bad at all!

Anyways, I'm off to my dad's house for the weekend- I work on a Saturday so food is easier to avoid, plus I'm on my feet non-stop running around after customers. I may have to make use of the pedometer on my new i-pod mini. Now I'm almost looking forward to work!!

Some inspiration for the weekend; when a Sunday roast is imminent or a party beckons. 

Rosie Huntingdon Whiteley

 

Tension

I really hate arguments, I try to avoid them at all costs, really.

I hate it when you get those awful butterflies in your stomach when you've fallen out with your friends over something utterly pathetic. Well that's what I get; I feel completely lost and just generally sad.

I hate it even more when an argument makes me angry- I'd much rather just be alone than with someone who makes me angry.

I had an argument with my mum, who is a like friend to me in a really cheesy way. She walked in and started talking to me when I was utterly engrossed watching Silent Witness- quick summary: pathologists ominously walking around crime scenes, cutting up bodies and discovering murder cases, it's completely addictive!

So she muttered something to me and I may have a given her a half-hearted response in my dazed state. What followed was her telling me to "not use that tone with her", turning her nose up at me then storming out the room.

As I said, over something utterly pathetic. But it made me sooo mad. Its at times like that when I just get this sense of determination inside. Times like that when how realise how pitifully skinny my mum's legs were when she stormed out. Her 5"12 model-esque body just makes an argument even worse.

Why hello out there!

Well, its been four months since my last post, this mean my last ACTUAL commitment to eating healthily. Pretty shabby if you ask me.

In terms of eating... well there's been A LOT of it. Please tell me that everyone seems to just balloon at the thought of Christmas. I admire you girls who can resist even the momentary thought of a turkey. good on you.

New years Eve was a bit of a spectacle as well. I may have drank a bit too much wine, smoked a few too many cigarettes amongst other things and things took a turn for the worse.

I not only threw up, but threw up on my drive! Thank god the new year brought an onslaught of rain, washing away the evidence before my mum spotted it.

Phew.

But anyway, as always, a new year brings new promises and I PROMISE to stick to my promise- eat healthier, exercise more, and get that "dream" body every girl wants. It'll take time, but I will get there.

I went to the festival. Enough said really. Just stall after stall after stall of junk food, endless junk food. Things began okay, i ate a handful of cheerios on the first day, but after two nights of hardcore drinking and such, i had some serious munchies. And i have a terrible way of eating one bad thing and never being able to stop! I'm still trying to escape the ditch i've fallen down, but that old feeling is gradually creeping back!!

Onto other news, i got my GCSE's results, for americans i think thats like finals or something? I got 8 a*'s and 5a's. Pretty happy. But that happiness seems to have spiralled dramatically. I think its all the rubbish food in my system. I turned to the knife today, about 15 minutes ago to be exact when my mum went out. Before she left she knew something was up, i had a few tears welling in my eyes. Then she got back home, and what do you know! Fine again.

New ideas

Just been reading through a fair few blogs and had that sudden rush of intense determination.

I'm going to set my self a goal- instead of simply saying; "I want to be skinny", I realise there has to be a sense of achievement along the line, because no matter how thin I hope to get, it'll probably never be skinny enough for my high standards.

So this is it; I currently weigh about 133lbs and am 5"8.

In ten weeks time- I want to weigh 120lbs- that's about a stone in weight loss.

I don't know if it can be done, but I'm sure as hell going to give it my best try.

So, phase 1-

From now until 8:00am on thurs morning, fast. That's around 35 hours. I'm going to permit myself any drink- excluding smoothies!

The next two days: thurs and fri will be sub-500 days. Also, as much exercise as possible at all times.

Wish me luck... god knows i'm gunna need it.

xxxx

Finally!

Just had three gruelling days of work and now I don't have to return for three days. Seems like nothing, but to me that's three days of freedom- and no co-workers breathing down my neck at lunch time.

I made £90, that's about 140 dollars for you Americans. Sweeeeeeet!

Only thing is, and get this...

I work in a cake shop. I know right; possibly THE worst job!

There's the constant whiff of fresh cake wafting around the shop at all times; not to mention chocolate by the bucket load. And then there's the stream of chirpy middle aged women who waltz through the door with either a huge smile across their face and the squeakiest of high-pitched enthusiastic voices, or there's the women who walk in, and you just know, right then and there, they're going to be hell.

xxxx

So yesterday i saw my grandparents for the day, and we had a picnic...

Its so much harder to avoid food when you're around people who constantly offer you cake and cookies and persistently say when you accept;

" you've always had such a good appetite", and, "I don't know where you put it all you know",

Uhhhh, hello! Have you seen my thighs?!

Anyway, I had a depressing intake of about 700.

Today has been better. My mum had a meeting downstairs this morning. I always hate that whole awkward initial introductory moment, when you don't know whether to just say hi, shake their hand or engage in a full blown conversation. Needless to say; its not really my thing. This was a great excuse to clean my room top to toe all morning and have a bit of an organisation sesh- which I love! So far intake of 120 calories. But, I have yet to face dinner.

You see, my mum isn't the kind to make us all sit to the table and eat, we happily sit in front of the tv most nights, but she seems to watch me like a hawk if my plate isn't wiped clean;

"Are you feeling alright?" is her usual question, but there are only so many times I can play the ill card.

Hopefully, when I go back to school I can eat in my room again, which she usually lets me do if I have lots of work.

Anyways, today I decided to post a bit of my own thinpiration; so my girl of the week is the one and only Alexa Chung-

Target

I seem to have little spurts of motivation these days; this week was meant to be my "detox" week- I'm talking, constant flushes of green tea and icy water, no meat, basically vegan but in smaller amounts, and of course, plenty of exercise.

Sadly, things haven't panned out at all that way- on weds I consumed 4 krispy cremes consecutively; and I'm not talking the plain ringed ones, I'm talking the ones dipped in chocolate, sprinkles and icing sugar and filled with custard, cream and jam. It was a major downfall.

So now, onto better things.

My next big mark is a festival at the end of August- three weeks from now.

Enough time I hope to make a visible difference. I aim to be rocking the daisy duke shorts and wellies with the most amount of confidence I can achieve.

Wish me luck!

xxxx

long time, no see ana

Wow, I cannot believe its been more than a month since my last post.

In short, its been rough.

I finished my exams, which meant endless drinking games and tables of party food besides all my friends. Along with this I just got back from a three week holiday in Spain. Now, although i can modestly say I am rockin a bit of a tan, which is awesome, in such a short amount of time, i have gone completely off the rails.

The only good thing I have in mind is the fact I have four weeks left of freedom, which means four weeks of no school hours, no pestering friends constantly, and four solid weeks of redemption! I'm getting excited at the thought of it all ready.

Is it ironic to say that I am positively craving hunger?

xx

Oh dear god i did it. Now i have a pounding headache and feel sick, fml

Reading blogs, but all i can think about is the god dam cookies and cream ice-cream in the freezer my mum brought... ahhh. i will not give in!!

work itt ouut

Gym gym gym :)

Going there pushes me even more, all those skinny gals sweating it out around me, I get all competitive! I guess that can only be good though.

Didn't have breakfast so was running on empty,

just had a cup of oatmeal and plan to drink liquids for the rest of the day.

: D

It begins

So, I guess the first thing to naturally say would be,

hello :)

Gradually over the past few months I have come to terms with a few things;

-It may be wise to assume I won't get much taller than my current 5"8, so in short, things may start growing in other directions

-I am no longer "skinny" as I seemed to be, in my keen "extra curricular sports activity" days. Since hitting my exams there just isn't the time.

-Some things need to change so I can finally look in that dreaded mirror and smile!

I've always had a strange relationship with food, some days I can't get enough of it; I binge to the extreme and chuckle away that "you only live once!" in the process. The next day I have a better relationship, I may not binge, but I eat ALOT, but this could be a salad and then come 7:00pm, out comes the ice-cream! But this routine of "healthy eating" and, "oh stuff it!" always follows with the two hours in utter disgust, cradling my bloated stomach, asking myself; "why?"

I really do hope this might sound familiar because I am steadily loosing my mind!. Until the last few months, this was my routine, until something changed... Only slightly, but I found myself reaching into the fridge and just saying no. It started with this, and then gradually I found myself clutching at a water bottle constantly, avoiding parties or bbq's and throwing away my dinner in the bin in my room.

I'm unsure of this new sensation, but I don't think I want to let it go. I don't think I have an ED, I mean, I'm the girl everyone assumes will order dessert... but I need to finally get some control over this one thing in my life.

Inches, by inches.